“My friend changed her name and pronouns.”
“ I wonder why I like girls/boys toys if I’m a boy/girl.”
“I feel like I’m in the wrong body.”
“I’m uncomfortable in boy/girl clothes.”
“I feel more masculine/feminine.”
“If I were a boy/girl I’d have more friends.”
“I think God made a mistake when He created me.”
Have your kids uttered any of these potential identity crisis statements? These words indicate a need for deeper conversation with you. Years ago, before same-sex marriage was legalized, one of other my kids, a first grader, asked, “Mom can men marry each other? A kid on the bus said they could.”
“Of course not,” Then I moved on to after school snacks and homework. My answer was correct, but it was not smart or sensitive. I blew it. I had an opportunity to engage in a deeper conversation with my child. My first grader was not just seeking information but desired to have conversation about and a confirmation of our family’s belief system. When our kids make statements or ask questions, like the questions or statements above, it’s time to engage and forget about the after-school schedule.
Kids today are not only asking questions about relationships, but they are seeking to define themselves. The definitions of what is a boy and what is a girl are under siege. Identity questioning or an identity crisis is not uncommon anymore. It has invaded my family and maybe yours, too. The very core of our children’s personhood is being challenged.
Many medical and mental health communities, the entertainment sector, various state laws, educational institutions, some religious organizations, and the child’s peer group, in the name of compassion, offer to solve gender discomfort or dysphoria by recreating the questioning person’s identity and physicality. Therapy, hormones, and surgical procedures are presented as the ultimate cure for unhappiness or mental health issues. A child’s gender confusion is often shocking to the parents.
Traditionally gender identity has been viewed as predetermined. The expectations for behavior are defined by the culture and the family. This historical approach to gender is inflexible and stereotypical. The male and female boxes for behavior are rigid.
Compare that to today. Now identity is to be “discovered” by the individual according to his or her feelings. This current trend is fluid. There are no restraints, no definition of male and female, feelings dictate decisions, biological facts do not matter.
Neither approach is biblically correct. There is a third way. This perspective is from God’s Word. Gender is determined by The Creator. God chooses to use biology (XX or XY) combined with unique personal characteristics and giftings. A boy can be more like David in Scripture, smaller in stature and musically inclined (1 Samuel 16:1-13). A girl can be more like Deborah, a powerful leader, decisive, and motivated (Judges 4). God is not bound by our cultural stereotypes of male and female. Boys can be sensitive. Sensitive boys make great bosses, husbands, and dads. Girls can be powerful. Strong girls make excellent leaders in the home and workplace. With the gospel there is freedom to be who God created us to be. God is not restricted by our preconceived ideas of what masculinity and femininity should look like.
Any conversation about gender identity needs to be handled gently and compassionately. The third approach is the perspective from which to start. Begin with Genesis 1: 27, “So God created mankind in his own image, the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” God created humans either male or female. We cannot change what God has ordained, XX or XY.
As we navigate this tender and potentially emotionally charged topic is helpful to be mindful of our tone and words. Keep these guidelines in mind:
Dialogue rather than debate. Be respectful and curious. You do not have to compromise convictions to have a productive conversation.
Listen rather than lecture: Ask your child to tell you their story. Listen to their heart. Ask, “What do you think makes a girl or boy?” Show compassion. Ask permission to provide feedback or insight.
Affirm rather than argue: Affirm your child’s giftedness, uniqueness, and femininity or masculinity.
Connect through kindness. Your biggest impact is through relationship. Remember you have a hurting loved one in front of you.
Normalize your child’s struggle. For little ones, remind them of their uniqueness and how great it is that God made them a strong girl or a gentle boy. For pre-pubescent children, let them know it is common to struggle with feelings about their body. Typically, post puberty these feelings will disappear. Teens are old enough to understand this struggle is also a spiritual struggle. Tell them about Jesus’s experience in the wilderness with the devil. Twice Satan attacked Jeus’s identity when Jesus was physically, emotionally, and mentally weak, “If you are the Son of God...”(Matthew 4:3, 6). Continue the conversation with how Jesus handled the attacks. He used God’s words (Matthew 4:4, 7, 10).
Jesus was weak but he was armed with the sword of the spirit, God’s word. That is how he resisted the temptation to doubt his identity as the Son of God and to question God’s love for him. He responded to the enemy’s taunts with His Father’s words.
Parents and grandparents, many of our kids and grandkids are experiencing an identity crisis, a huge spiritual battle. We must speak God’s truth. He uniquely created each person. None of us need to be bound by either stereotypes or feelings but we are to experience freedom! Freedom to be who God created each of us to be so we are able to glorify and serve Him with the body He gave us along with our individual personality and gifting.
My daughter has wrestled against how God has created her. To help and encourage her I put sticky notes with scripture on her mirror. She would read the verses aloud:
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Psalm 139: 13-14
And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
Matthew 10:30
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:10
The enemy is relentless in his pursuit to destroy identity. He plays dirty. He preys on those who are weak. His victims are often kids who have a mental health struggle like: autism, ADHD, depression, or anxiety. These vulnerable young people believe the fix to their problems is changing their God-given identity. They think becoming a different gender will take away their pain. The core issue is never resolved, and a new more sinister problem moves in.
Our kids need to know most people don’t feel all that comfortable in their own skin and it’s OK. They need to hear the Biblical accounts of men and woman who did not fit societies mold but were purposely created to be used by God like David and Deborah. To hear that Jesus had his identity questioned reminds a struggling child that the Lord understands. It also shows them this tactic by Satan is as old as time.
Satan is the author of lies and confusion. The world says there are 72-107 different types of gender. But God keeps it simple, male and female. We must not participate in the delusion that we can fundamentally change how we are created. God chooses, God creates, God says His creation is very good.
My husband, Tom, and I have never wavered on God’s truth, that God created Courtney as a powerful and loving female. My daughter is now in a healthy place and thankfully has never sought out hormones or surgery. I asked Courtney to provide a list of things that would be helpful for parents of kids who wrestle against their God-given identity.
- Talk to them with love. Do not talk down to them or shame them.
- Do not go against your convictions yet be willing to hear what they have to say.
- Never punish for actions related to the struggle.
- Ask open ended questions about their feelings or experiences.
- Seek common ground.
- Remind them they are God’s child and not of this world and not to conform to the world’s ways.
- Have your talks be conversations not interrogations.
- Attempt to put yourself in your child’s shoes.
- Remind your child it’s OK to be different and to avoid doing something permanent.
- Use Scripture as a weapon against evil not a weapon against your child.
Courtney and I may not agree on her “style”, but we do share a love for the Lord and for each other. Her struggle has lessened, and her faith has increased. And God reminds me, a relationship with Him is the most important and healing thing. And this, moms and dads, grandmoms and granddads is the bottom line.
