Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. – Romans 12:18 NLT
Pain is inevitable, but it can strike a different chord when it comes from those you love. This can lead to many emotions, including anger, confusion, and even long-term bitterness. The Apostle Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:26, “In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Paul knew that many offenses would come your way, and when family hurts you, your emotions can feel wildly chaotic.
So, what do you do when your family hurts you? What do you do if a family member enjoys tearing you down? When is it time to walk away? What should your response be as a Christian? These are crucial questions because some things are in your control, but some are completely out of your control. When bad behavior continues, you must act, or nothing will change. Your job is to focus on what is in your control. Why? Because whatever you allow is what will continue. This is a lesson I learned the hard way.
I gave a friend my phone number and allowed him to call anytime. Little did I know he would abuse the privilege by calling me four times a day. I had to set a boundary. I knew if I didn’t, the calls would keep coming! Setting and maintaining boundaries is a learned skill as it takes intentionality and hard work, but if you don’t do the work, you will feel depleted, burned out, and taken advantage of. Maybe you feel all those feelings right now as you are reading this. Take heart! The Lord is with you.
One of the hardest things to do is set boundaries with family. This is because they are so close to you, and it may even feel like you would be slightly betraying them by setting up healthy walls. As a result, you may need outside help to ensure the boundaries are kept. Don’t be afraid to reach out to those you trust.
Remember, a boundary is a limit or a guideline you set for yourself. The purpose of a boundary is to protect yourself, strengthen your relationships, and ultimately serve others. By creating one, you are being clear about the behavior you will tolerate.
But how do you know it’s time to set a boundary with a family member?
Let’s say a family member continually invades your privacy or mistreats you. They make hurtful comments, try to manipulate or control you, or continue repeating unsolicited advice even after you have said “No!”. If you notice these signs, it’s probably time to set a healthy boundary. It might be time to end the relationship temporarily or potentially even permanently.
As you set the boundary, remember that a delicate request is not a boundary. Saying, “Please don’t do this,” is not enough. You must be clear on the result of the action. You might consider saying, “If you continue to speak to me this way, I will hang up the phone.” You must identify what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. Be clear on what you need or will allow from the person.
Your family may not always believe you will follow through on your commitments, but don’t be afraid to remind them of what necessary steps are in order if they continue to disrespect your boundaries.
Lastly, remember that you cannot change people, but God can. This truth will free you to avoid trying to change others. Your job is to voice the boundary and continue to love and pray for your family, and everything else you need to leave in God’s hands.
Dig Deeper
1. What is the importance of being direct and clear when setting a boundary?
2. What is one step you can take to set and maintain healthy boundaries with your family?
